Friday, November 5, 2010

Advice: Single Woman with Needs

I was thinking: I'm a single woman and I have needs. I have a single long time friend (guy) who has needs. Should we have a sexual relationship with no strings?

- Anonymous

Mz. Kewe
If only in a perfect world we could have sex and risk not getting our feelings involved... but we are human, not dogs or cats or dolphins! Some people actually HAVE the ability to do that... however. But with him being your friend and you being a woman... the chance that you will get your feelings involved are pretty high, in my opinion. You could be biting off more than you can chew. The good news is... if He is truly your friend, then it’s also a possibility that you may NOT lose the friendship if being Friends with Benefits doesn't work out. I have been in the situation where a friend of mine decided to take it a step further and my feelings got hurt... eventually, we both got over it and went back to being friends, but the I could have lived without the intermediary drama. Another friend of mine had the same scenario, and she kept her friendship with the guy as well... I'm not sure if we have lucky stories or whatnot. I've heard some stories about these scenarios and the friendship was never the same. But, honestly, if I just want to have sex with someone... I don't want to deal with ANY drama what so ever, so even though I kept my friend... we went through drama that put our friendship in jeopardy AND ultimately... ended our Benefits factor... so it really wasn't worth it for me. If your looking to fulfill your needs... look for someone with whom you don't have a prior friendship.

Ms. Qui Vive
I will keep my 'devil on the shoulder' opinion to myself...NOT!  If you are young, single, and use protection, I say go for what you know.  If you can keep your feelings in check and expect nothing more than to 'meet your needs...' you might have a win-win situation.  Just always expect, in the end, what you expected, from the start.

Miss Berneta
Absolutely not! In my experience, the "no strings attached" sex with a friend scenario never ends well. Why? Because if it goes on long enough strings inevitably get attached. In fact, it's hard not to get emotionally-attached to and all "caught up" with someone who is both 1) a long-term friend, and 2) someone you're having sex with on the regular. If you don't think you and this person will ever have a future as a couple (like, not ever, no possibility), you should not sleep with him. It'll likely lead to some hurt feelings, even if you guys do approach it from a "we're just friends who have sex" standpoint. And it could ruin a possibly good, healthy, long-term friendship. Besides, in my experience, empty sex (I consider loveless, convenient sex to be empty sex) is almost worse than no sex. Mz. Kewe is dead right: at the very least, find someone with whom you have no prior connection. But, personally, I probably wouldn’t do it, no matter the person.

Ms. Mashari
I would say it's a decision that's entirely up to you and based upon your own comfort level.  If you know what you want and communicated that with your potential partner, I don't see a problem with having a sexual relationship with that person.  Before acting, I would encourage you to assess if you're both capable of having a no-strings attachment or if it could evolve into something more.  In addition, I would say to talk it out in the event your feelings change, which can happen from time to time.

Having had some experiences similar to what Mz Kewe and Miss Berneta have mentioned, I can't say I'm in the place where this would work for me, but keep in mind we're all so very different.  While some of my relationships ended up awry, others were a learning and growth opportunity for me to set boundaries, communicate my desires, or even explore intimacy.  I wouldn't change a thing about my past either.  Here and now, I want more out of a relationship than I did back then when sex would simply suffice; I'm more interested in sharing a connection that is mentally, emotionally, and physically stimulating simultaneously.  You may or may not be in the same place (and guess what, that's okay), so I suggest you do what suits you, be confident in your decision, and accept whatever comes of it (i.e. continued or broken friendship, a long-term romantic relationships, heartbreak, sex education and exploration, babies and baby daddy drama and child support madness, STDs, etc.)


  1. i agree with everyone. the bottom line is, be honest with yourself, take into account your morals and values, and then do the right thing for you. for example, if you have the attitude "have fun while i can," then maybe getting involved is the right thing for you to do IF you are honest with yourself in not letting your feelings get in the way. i know for me personally i have a rule that i won't become intimate with someone unless i'm in a relationship with them (six months, no intimacy). it kind of sucks but i'm doing the right thing for myself. a situation presented itself, but i stuck by my rule because i knew honestly i would have felt worse had i acted on my physical wants/desires.

    good luck with yr decision! i know you will do the right thing for you.

  2. Vivian,

    Great comment! Each individual just has to know themselves and what they want!