Thursday, September 30, 2010

Last Month in BugLand - September 2010

It's a BUG world!
Just in case you forgot to stop by JuneBug Talk (JBT) in September, do yourself a favor and catch up. Kidding! Here's what you missed.

Miss Berneta
BernetaBug opened up with a very personal post On Being Black, Female, and Queer. Want more from your fave intellectual, B? Read more of her blogs over at Nickel for a Thought.

Mz Kewe
She spoke her piece on celebrity homewreckers and asked whose the real one to blame in The Problem I Have with Homewreckers. To hear more from the "The Queen of All Controversy," tune in to Check2Check Radio online by clicking here or follow @SweetKewe on Twitter.

Ms MaShari
Remixing a track by Kanye the way she only can, Ms MaShari blogged on pop culture personal finance and the importance of giving back in Power. Hit up your girl via email with questions or at Young Women and Supporters of Financial Literacy on Facebook.

Miss Qui Vive
Continuing her series, Miss Qui explored the causes in Back to the Future: The Effects. Are you a reader? So is QV! Join QV's virtual book society, The Burgeoning Literate.

Don't forget our roundtable discussion titled,
featuring our NEW GuestBug justJames.

Brilliance returned with REAL Talk in The Best Father Around, and Thoughts of a Randomista told us her take on protection in Babygirl, You Gone Wrap It or Not?!?.

Interested in guest blogging? Click here, read Miss Berneta's post, and send us an email at

JBT stepped outside of the box and partnered with No4Corners and Thoughts of a Randomista. Be sure to checkout our PartnerBugs and more of our work at:

...No4Corners (N4C)
Miss Qui Vive lended her opinion on dating or the lack there of over at N4C's with What Do the Lonely Do. In Billy Jean: Is Michael the Baby Daddy?, Ms MaShari talked about Mocienne Pettit Jackson, MJ's alleged lovechild. As for Miss B, she asked a good question - "Can you be Too Picky in Love?" Leave your comments and let us know what you think. Lastly, Mz Kewe got more stuff of her chest in the Top 10 Total BS! Propaganda in the Media, Society, and World in General....

'Shari dished her random thoughts on money and hot totties in Urban Finance, and B shared her very own tales of money woes in Guilty Pleasures.

Thanks for reading, and a special thanks to our GuestBugs and Partners!
Stay tuned for more JuneBug Talk.

Coming in October...
  • More from JuneBugs' Miss Berneta, Mz Kewe, Ms MaShari, and Miss Qui Vive on any and ERRthing like dating & relationships, politics, culture, etc.
  • Posts from GuestBugs' Brilliance, T.O.A.R., justJames, and many more.

Support JuneBug Talk. Like us on Facebook at!

MEN vs. WOMEN: Who really has the advantage in dating?

We can all agree that interactions between men and women undeniably consist of a Venus vs. Mars dynamic, particularly when it comes to dating. Sometimes it seems like a constant battle with one another, trying to understand the different mindsets, communication styles, responsibilities—who plays what role in a relationship, etc etc. Considering all these different elements that take place when we deal with one another, who do you believe understands the situation more clearly and has the upper hand when it comes to dating? Men or women?

Ms Qui Vive
What kind of question is that?? WOMEN GET it better in general because we’re smarter!
Ok, before the rains come tumbling down, I’m kidding!
I actually think most men and women have equal understanding, just different reactions, and maybe we can construe those reactions as one person having a better grasp or upper hand over the other. Women tend to be more vocal, while many men think more than they talk. So, when a woman deals with an issue she may deal with it by talking it out, venting, and creating room for discussion – does that make her smarter than the man who may be quietly thinking things through? Not for me…
I know an equal number of dumb-dumbs in both gender categories!

Ms Mashari
Ms Qui, I have to agree and disagree with you. Women are more talkative and express their emotions where men typically aren't as vocal, but that makes neither sex better than the other at dating in my opinion. What I do think sets women apart from men is our supernatural abilities. LOL! That's right, I said supernatural. I'm just saying if you think about, we have a keen sense of awareness and intuition, so we can use our powers to navigate the dating landscape. For instance, we know if ole boy ain't really feeling us and he's just taking us out to get into the panties, we know when "RayRay' is catching feelings, and we know when the Mister calls himself stepping out on us too. The cards are always on our table, ladies!

Ms Qui Vive
Ms MaShari – you sho’ right! A woman’s intuition is one of her best assets!

Miss Berneta
I'm going to second Ms. Qui Vive on this one. I do think most men and women understand each other about equally. And I also don't think it's as simple as Venus and Mars. Men and women have a little of both, to be honest. That division just doesn't capture the complexity of men and women.

A friend and I were recently discussing how difficult it is to understand men, and we decided that the problem is simple: we all want love, but maybe we just have very different conceptions of what love is or should look like.

For instance, I am going to generalize from myself and assume that many women have a very straightforward view of the type of romantic love we want: we want to find a partner (probably a life partner) who is a companion and a friend, someone whom we can nurture and who will nurture us, a partner who will forgo other sexual partners, just as we ourselves will forgo other sexual partners.

It would be easy to say that men want that too. But I sometimes find it difficult to determine what type of love many men want. Does the average man also share this average, straightforward view of romantic love that I (hesitantly) suggest many women want? Does he also want a partner (a life partner), who is a companion and a friend, someone whom he can nurture and who will nurture him, who will forgo other sexual partners, someone for whom he himself will forgo other sexual partners? Or is it something different that they want? A lot of men don't seem very interested in "life partners" to me, for instance, and when they do end up with one, some of them seem a tad resentful about having to (or being pressured to) abandon their options. But maybe I'm just generalizing too much about men?
I think in the end men and women both understand each other equally; maybe we all know how to make it work or maybe none of us know how to make it work. And so we struggle with and against each other. I’m starting to think John Legend gets it right: maybe everybody knows but nobody really knows.

Ms Mashari
Miss B, I like what you said here, and I wanna go a bit further. My boo, Hill Harper, wrote about this in his book called The Conversation. Men are conditioned from childhood to "Man up" and told not to cry. In addition, men are encouraged to play the field and "shop around" like the ol' school tune. However, women are sold some fantasy and encouraged to save themselves for Prince Charming. Only a handful of us have met him according to the statistics. After years of being told one thing, women are pressuring men to settle down and become their dreams of this great man who is loving, educated, sensitive (not too sensitive), faithful, and the list goes on. So I guess the score is Women 1 for intuition and Men 0, but maybe it’s unfair to have this dialogue without the input of our men.

Miss Berneta
I definitely agree, Ms. Mashari. This type of romantic love that women idealize (that I outlined) is definitely programmed into us. (I tried to read that Hill Harper book, but couldn't get through it.) I think we, men and women, really need to own up to and examine the images and cultural ideas from our childhood (from television, from books) and how they have influenced our perceptions of love and dating. A lot of us want to make "men are just like this" and "women are just like this" arguments, which only hide the fact that we are all sent the same images about love, messages that push us to behave according to certain roles. And our firm adherence to those gender roles only cause problems between us. (This is also why I tend to be more interested in men who have a feminist mindset, men who have thus begun to examine the notions they've received about masculinity since childhood; random side note. :D).

This is a big question and not easily answered. In today's world of dating, it is a lot more philosophical so to speak. A lot more dynamic. During our parents and grandparents era, dating was static or black and white. The guy inititated the contact on most levels. From the, "Hi my name is...", to the, "would you marry me?" From that perspective the advantage could have been perceived to be in favor of the woman since everything depended on her response to the man's inquiry.

But today's dating world is much more as I said above, philosophical. People are more learned than in the past. Both men and women work, there's the proliferation of many dating sites, so on ans so on. So now both men and women have more "options". No longer do people just date friends from school or from the neighborhood, but many have long distance relationships, some crossing state lines.

The question is who has the advantage given all the different variables (i.e. Communication, mindset, etc.)? On a large scale I believe women have the advantage when it comes to dating... If! If I am looking at it from a mental perspective, women have proven throughout history that they are just better built communicators.

From a physical perspective, men have the advantage very simply because of sheer numbers. Women outnumber men so much so, that even the most unsightly guy thinks he's "somebody". I traveled to Washington D.C. and witnessed a gentleman dressed in skinny jeans, loafers no socks, a leather vest, and receding hairline. The ratio of women to men in D.C. is greater than 5to1. In a more balanced society, this gentleman who wasn't much of a looker wouldn't have left happy hour with "Beyonce." Just my opinion. Because of this these types of ratios, I believe men on some levels have become more selective in picking a dating partner. I believe because of this it has become more competitive for women, which has forced them to become the aggressor. So, now as a guy it has become normal for a woman to initiate a lot of the dating "contact".

On the surface it all seems advantageous but that shift in dating stems from a deeper problem in society that can be discussed later. ..and I have not even touched on bi-sexuality or anything else. Should I keep going LoL..!

Ms Qui Vive
Now, that's what I'm talkin' 'bout James! Maybe men DO think...JK, JK!

So, women have the upper hand in communicating and men have the advantage in numbers...

Ms Mashari
I say, "What!" Um, I don't even have a rebuttal. Hand clap, two snaps, and a pat on the back, justJames!

Miss Berneta
James, yes, let’s not even start on bisexuality. I could go on forever about my own difficulty, as a bisexual, dating and having to have two different dating styles: one for men and one for women. Ya'll don't even want me to get started.
But I'm curious about the "deeper problem " that you think the shift stems from. Because I think you're on to something with that. This shift is an issue of numbers, but as you suggest, it's also an issue at once much more complicated than just numbers. There is something occurring in our culture in terms of human interaction. Texting, internet communication, and unprecedented numbers of college-educated people...all those factors have everything to do with this shift—we probably have one of the highest populations of college-educated people of any country. And we’re seeing the affects of these factors (good and bad) on the world of dating. In fact, I think the change is most obvious in the world of dating and relationships. Too bad my thoughts are too scattered at the moment, but maybe this could make for an interesting follow-up post. But it was nice to get a male perspective.

This was a great question, so kudos to who ever thought of it. There are many layers within the question itself depending on how deep a person is willing to "dig" so to speak.

Who do you think has the upper hand?

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Cheating Marriages

By GuestBug TOAR

TOAR is back bitches! If have no idea who I am, your bad. Sike naw! Lol here is a little "Tid-Bit":

Let's Cut to the chase, she is not some bubbly censored bimbo. She's a 20 something college student living in "urban" Detroit, MI where you get the shit slapped out of you if you step on a guy's J's and being a Harajuku Barbie or a 5 Star Chick is a profession. She talks shit about most things and make fun of everything else - Sex & Race mostly because it is the most Taboo. She also goes off on crazy tangents in "(parenthesis)." TOAR calls it her own personal "random writing chaos." Even though she creates hell when she write about these subjects, she likes to know that at Thoughts of a Randomista, she creates a safe place to express her ideas while receiving feedback from her readers. TOAR Loves The Twilight Saga (TEAM EDWARD, his messy bed hair makes her drool) and Guest Bloggers. And she HATES introductions!

ANYWAY back to cheating marriages. This is not the same fun loving post as "BabyGirl you gone wrap it or not?" I think cheating marriages can be expressed two ways: committed and non-committed.

Let's examine non-committed first! Personally, I have been engaged for 2 years now and I am so still totally freaked out by the word marriage. Like so many others, being married is sacred to me. I don't care if it is between a man and a woman or same sex - love is love. A fairy tale. A twilight romance. Everyone has their ups and downs but how much is too much and FOREVER?! It is kinda overwhelming. So in this sense cheating marriage is postponing it because you are totally freaked out - like me.

I mean I am committed to my fiance' and I am totally in love with him so I should want to jump the broom right? I don't feel like I have any wild oats to sow up so what's the problem? I just think that I want to make sure but I am also not ready. I don't believe in divorce so this would be it for me. Can we say cold feet? Idk. He is the one for me I know but ugh forever? I sound like a dude. I guess we've been together 6 years so far, that's almost forever in a sense. You know, in a "year-to-date" kinda way. That's almost 1/4th of my life lol.

Let me get on to the second part of the post and another reason why I am so totally freaked out: committed to marriage. Well like I said before marriage is the happily ever after - the fairytale. All of is girls grew up with cinderella and prince charming so we are already programed to look for our prince charming. I just realized at the age of 22, not all prince charmings are perfect. They are still human. So now the point. People who are in marriages cheat. Not all people, but the ones you least expect. Like for instance, a friend of mine's aunt and uncle have been together for 36 years. But come to find out he has cheated on her dozens of times. But they are still together. They still are married and in love. But I don't want that kind of marriage. Marriage is hard work. Wow it just put things in prospective for me.

That wasn't the only case. Come to find out, many people do it regularly. Like it's supposed to be like that. NOOO! Is my marriage doomed before it starts?

I've made some mistakes and so has my fiancé. Do I continue to let the past burden our future?

So how much is too much? Forgiveness? Love? Cheating?! Ugh. Some fairytales exists, just prince charming isn't so perfect.

FYI- females, you bitches aren't excluded either. Slores.
Follow and comment TOAR at Thoughts of a Randomista.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Back to the Future - "The Effects"

Before I begin this week’s portion of my series, I’d like to take a moment to acknowledge the upcoming one year anniversary, on September 24, 2010, of the beating death of Derrion Albert, and honor his memory. If you are not familiar with what happened, click here:

Since September of last year when I first heard and sawof this heartbreaking and senseless incident, not a week (literally) has gone by and I not thought of Derrion. It is still hard to think about and almost emotionally overwhelming to watch. As many times as I am never at a loss for words, I cannot even fully express to you how my heart aches for him. When Derrion’s mother sent him to school September 24, 2009, I’m sure she did not expect that to be the last time she’d see him alive…and even worse than having to find out your child has died, the horrible manner in which he was beaten is unthinkable. I have no personal ties to Derrion or his family, or anyone involved, but the humanistic bond I share with them causes me to still grieve for Derrion as if he were my own son or brother…because in reality, it could have been.

I often contemplate what I could do to ease the pain his mother will always have; or, what influence I can have on an unknown child’s future to prevent him or her from participating in an act that exhibits such little regard for another human life. One year later, I have still not thought of anything sufficient enough to act as a mark of distinction and tribute to this Derrion’s life – but, as long as I am living and breathing, I will never forget him. My silent, lifelong promise is to one day honor him in a way that beautifully outshines his dim death.

It’s been a year –
To my heart, you are still dear.
Rest in Love & Peace, Derrion

Now, let us transition to our topic.
Perhaps, we can learn a bit about the effects of slavery on human behavior by this past current event. W.E.B. DuBois, American civil rights activist, sociologist, historian, author, and editor, once said: “One ever feels his twoness- an American, a negro; two souls, two thoughts, two unreconciled strivings, two warring ideals in one dark body, whose dogged strength alone keeps it from being torn asunder.” You may have never spoken it, and may even deny it, but many African Americans often struggle with their identities…

Not being ‘black’ enough..

Acting ‘white…’

An inability to be totally comfortable in any racial group…

This ‘double-consciousness,’ is a nasty little side effect of slavery. Now, that wasn’t on the warning label was it?
For those of you not familiar with double-consciousness, let’s liken it to this: it’s like being a sparkling, shining Mustang, but swearing to yourself you’re a fire red Corvette, and having people test [drive] you all day! Black people so often have to conform to cultural standards given by their peers, and at the same time, fit society’s distorted standards of what is right and proper, all the while attempting to fulfill our own perception of our personal identities . In a way, it is attempting to maintain the identity of two people at the same time. Talk about a balancing act.

But, how do these effects tie into the problem of past slavery?

When one does not know who they are – they have NO PRIDE, NO PURPOSE. In general, African Americans have have a foggy sense of their history, mixed between a handful of familiar facts and faces given to us during Black History Month and classroom textbooks with noteworthy, yet omitted information. In place of a clearly documented and dazzling history, we have allowed ourselves to relegated to assimilate and accept a history that is not our own.

NO PRIDE, and NO PURPOSE equals NO PRODUCTIVITY. Even in business, when an organization has a shared sense of values and purpose, they are motivated to work together towards a common end. How can African Americans begin to expect to embrace each other’s uniqueness, when we have not even collectively embraced our similarities?

And, with NO PRODUCTIVITY, there comes idleness…and we all know where that leads…
While you reflect on the African American loss of pride, purpose, and productivity, take a moment to ponder this question…

“We’ve gone through the names – Negro, African American, African, Black. For me, that’s an indication of a people still trying to find their identity. Who determines what is black?”

– Spike Lee

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

The Best Father Around

By GuestBug Brilliance

Being fatherless, in my opinion, does not mean growing up in a single parent household. To me fatherlessness, means exactly that: there is an absence of a father. If your father was never home, had an addiction that devastated your family then to me you’re qualified to say you’re fatherless. Or, like in the case of so many of us, our fathers were rarely or never there.

All I ever wanted from my dad was for him to call me on my birthday. Out of all the days in the year, I believed his daughter’s birthday would be one that he’d never forget. Yet, he managed to “forget” year, after year, after year. Due to my father’s absence I, like so many other women, was born with baggage. I suffer from an unbalanced mistrust of men. I can smell a no good dude a mile away. But, I can’t always detect a good quality man. Like many of life’s wounds, I am slowly healing-- learning to let go, and let live.

My experiences have led me to strongly believe that all little girls need daddies. Daughters often feel the absence of their fathers deeply. Angel Taylor belted these heartfelt words in a song about her father…

He took everything from us,

but he let us keep our fear.

He robbed the little picture called a family,

taken long ago, went away for so many years.
And it was as though

he took joy in listening to our tears.

And he would never apologize,

cause his pride was blinding.

gel Taylor, Best Father Around, Album: Love Travels

…while Chrisette Michele sung these words to her dad, in her song “Your Joy.”

Cause no one loves me just like you do

And no one knows me just like you do

No one can compare to the way my eyes fit in yours

You'll always be my father

And I'll always be your joy

These are two different songs, two different messages, but their feelings for their fathers whether negative or positive are deep. No matter what anyone says, fathers teach women two important things that a mother cannot teach their daughters.

1) How to treat a man
2) How a man should treat a woman

Fathers teach their daughters what men want by showing them their daily activities. Simple things like, knowing when your father comes home, he wants a little time for himself. Or when the game is on, don’t bother him. We also learn from watching them interact with other people.

They teach us how we should be treated—that we shouldn’t be cheated on, lied to, or beat on. They teach us that a man’s love isn’t demonstrated by sex.

Teacher, teacher, please reach those girls in them videos
The little girls just broken Queens, confusing bling for soul

Danger, there's danger when you take off your clothes…

~Janelle Monae, Sincerely Jane, Metropolis: The Chase Suite

So many girls grow up not knowing who they are. Fathers help you learn your value. To them you’re the ultimate prize, and they teach you that. Fathers protect their daughters¬¬– they may even be over protective. Not every guy is good enough for daddies little girl, and they’re right. Just any guy should not be good enough for us—though we often forget that at times. Fatherless daughters can’t learn these things from their mothers alone. I was lucky because my grandfather really stepped up and he showed me most of those things. He taught me my worth, which is more than enough.

So what do you think? Do little girls need their daddies? Are there voids that daddies can fill that mommies cannot? How has your relationship with your father impacted your life both positively and negatively? If you grew up fatherless, do feel you have emotional scars from his absence?

Contact Brilliance:

Thursday, September 16, 2010

On Being Black, Female, and Queer

When you first came out in college, you used to wonder what was harder: being black, being a woman, or being queer (specifically, bisexual). You quickly decided that your answer to that question would depend on the day someone asked you. Sometime later you decided that the question was useless and a waste of time. In your mid-twenties now, you’ve long realized that what’s hardest is being all three of those things.

You’re writing this post not to whine or call for pity but rather to add another voice to queer women of color, an identity and large group of individuals often unheard and overlooked in American culture.

You can’t say that it’s harder being black, or that it’s harder being a woman, etc. because, in many ways, it’s all situational. For instance, in a mostly white environment, your identity as a black person is on display and, subsequently, causes you significantly more stress, making you vulnerable to everything from overt racism to covert racism. Living in Iowa City, dealing with a mostly intellectual and college-educated crowd of northern white folks, you’ve encountered much less overt racism, although the sometimes constant barrage of covert racism makes you prefer the overt sort. It’s made you realize that perhaps, as Dave Chappelle said, you prefer racism that’s out and in the open, just so you know where you stand with someone upfront.

Your identity as a female obviously finds itself on display when you’re surrounded by men, when you walk alone at night and feel that oppressive fear for your safety. Yet you’re rarely very wary of walking alone at night if the area is well-lit, as you’ve always felt that you can probably handle yourself pretty well. You consciously carry yourself with an obvious sort of seriousness and strength, so as to prevent yourself from being viewed as an easy target. And that strategy has worked so far. During the few run-ins you’ve had, however, you’ve learned that going completely apeshit – all 13 curse words – usually works well, as far as getting aggressive men off your back.

For instance, one night you were out and about, heading toward your car, and some random guy came up to you and started trying to be aggressive. You happened to be wearing slightly provocative clothes that night, and this guy decided that meant it was okay for him to get all up in your personal space. He actively followed you for a block, until you turned around, faced him and released an abundance of swear words on him, beginning with, “What the fu@k is your fu@king problem?” He promptly mumbled some half-assed apology and turned and walked away, after you concluded by telling him you would fu@k him up if he didn’t walk away. Whether or not you could’ve effectively fu@ked him up is beside the point: the point is you would have certainly tried, meaning, this man would have been in for a serious fight. He understood that, and moved on.

On the other hand, your identity as a queer person becomes a problem usually whenever you find myself surrounded by conservative black people — or conservative people of any race. Not because black people are more homophobic. But because you’ve simply had more run-ins with overt homophobia from black people than from anyone else. However, typically, you surround yourself with open-minded folks, black or whatever color, so you experience very little homophobia, overt or covert, in your daily life. Iowa City is apparently the third gayest city in the country, so your experience with homophobia here is significantly lessened, so much that you forget that Iowa City is kind of an anomaly in that way. You only receive that jolt back to the reality of life outside Iowa City when you see threads on Facebook where people unleash all their homophobia unabashedly, or when you hear yet another story about your sister (who is married to a woman) and her trials with homophobic co-workers constantly plotting to make her life miserable on account of her sexuality. She is not one to hide her sexuality, and you don’t blame her. But it makes her an easy target to homophobic folks around her in good ole Little Rock, Arkansas.

While you don’t hide your sexuality, you don’t necessarily display it either. Furthermore, you tend to operate from the belief that your sexuality is your business and that you don’t owe anyone disclosure (besides a potentially intimate partner). Like your sister, you look ostensibly heterosexual to most folks. But unlike your sister you don’t have a wife, and, as such, you have the ability to pass for hetero, whether you choose to do so or not. Because you’re bisexual, you’re often dating men so no one assumes that you’re anything other than heterosexual. As far as dealing with homophobia, your life is significantly easier because of all these factors. However, you’ve had to deal with biphobia a lot from both heterosexuals and homosexuals. Meaning, you’ve had to deal with all those silly and oppressive commonly-accepted labels that people attach to bisexuals: confused, slutty, indecisive, greedy, potentially diseased. In other words, you’ve had to deal with the intense alienation and sense of inferiority that comes with being viewed that way by so many people. To be bisexual is often to feel that you have no real allies.

Each of these separate experiences (as black person, as woman, as queer) on their own only slightly capture the wholesale alienation that your identity as a black female queer (be it bisexual or lesbian) entails. To have all these separate experiences of alienation is to experience an alienation so severe that it is practically incomparable. The invisibility is unimaginably intense. You’re sure any queer woman of color (be she black, Latino, Asian, or whatever) will echo your sentiments on this point. It goes like this:

Many people of the dominant group inadvertently or intentionally dismiss your humanity on account of your color, so you try to align yourself with people who look like you, black folks in your case. But you find your humanity questioned by so many of them, on account of your sexuality – many of them dismissing queerness as a “white thing” and, thus, in their rhetoric inadvertently erasing the existence of queer people of color. So you try to align yourself with queer culture so as to find some respect and community, but you quickly realize that the queer community is most often not only white-oriented but male-oriented, not to mention anti-bisexual in large part. Nonetheless, you – black, female, and queer – find your identity dismissed at every level.

In summary, you find yourself made invisible – within white culture, within your ethnic culture, within gay culture. The luckiest of you manage to live in cities where there are thriving lesbian and gay communities of color. While you are not that lucky, you are fortunate enough to have been able to find a group of open-minded friends, most of them black and straight, who are not tolerant – you hate that word, as it implies that one is simply “putting up with” someone they believe, at heart, to be inferior on some level, as such still viewing that person as an “other.” Instead, these friends are human beings who in no way “other” you because of your sexuality. You and your friends are all simply people trying to keep it moving in this crazy world.


I’m writing this post because, as I intend to embark on a legal career and devote my energies to improving the conditions of African-American life, I have been thinking about how troubling it is to ally myself with people, half of whom hate or look down on me because of my sexuality. Few things hurt my heart more than being literally or rhetorically spat upon by people who look like me, simply because my sexuality happens to differ from theirs, because of something I simply can’t (and wouldn’t) change. I can deal with receiving hate (or belittling pity) from white people, but it truly hurts to receive hate from people I consider my own, from people with whom I share such a unique historical legacy. But, at the end of the day, none of that hate deters me from wanting to dedicate my life to African-Americans (be they queer or straight) in our constant struggle for respect and freedom in this country. Despite receiving all that hate, my love for my people never fades. And, hopefully, it never will.

Pictured above: Queen Latifah and long-time girlfriend Jeanette Jenkins; Wanda Sykes and her wife.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Babygirl, You Gone Wrap It or Not?!?

By GuestBug TOAR

I am TOAR and I was thinking about condoms. (Bio Below Post) All kinds of condoms. Penis Condoms, Women Condoms, Finger Condoms and Tongue condoms. Of course, TOAR promotes safe sex - you know penis condom and female condoms. But what about the other two?

Finger Condoms
I was in a dirty sex shop last week (I go there frequently, because I like looking at dildos) and I was paying for my sexfit (sexy-outfit) and I seen these little round rubbery things. No bigger then your pinky finger. I asked the sales associate about them and she told me what they were. Ok, now here is the problem I am seeing with these little bastards: Why would I put a little ass condom on my PINKY finger?

First of all, a PINKY finger has no control over how to play with my clitoris effectively enough without it tickling like hell therefore, EFFECTIVELY turning me off. Secondly, those things look like they will cut off the guys circulation, especially if they have huge hands (big hands, big penis - PERIOD). Then they have two huge hands with 9 fingers? EEEWWW.

So I get the whole "Lets-use-little-finger-fuckers-because-you-might-have-AIDS-anyway" thing but seriously?

Tongue Condoms
Same Day, next to the mini condoms are the "Tongue Condoms." Now I have never heard of these before in my life. I hate the way latex tastes from a regular penis condom so why on earth will I WILLINGLY stick latex in my mouth? ugh.

I just have no more words.

So here are my posing questions to all of you out there:
  • Have you ever used a finger condom?
  • How far will you go to protect yourself?
  • Do you give oral with the condom on? Do you like it?
  • Do you like to receive oral with a condom on (tongue or otherwise)?
  • Do you clean under your nails frequently?

More importantly, assuming that we all use the basic forms for condoms, Babygirl, are you gone wrap his fingers or not?

Please guys, answer too!
Follow and Comment TOAR's personal posts at Thoughts of a Randomista. Let's Cut to the chase, she is not some bubbly censored bimbo. She's a 20 something college student living in "urban" Detroit, MI where you get the shit slapped out of you if you step on a guy's J's and being a Harajuku Barbie or a 5 Star Chick is a profession. She talks shit about most things and make fun of everything else - Sex & Race mostly because it is the most Taboo. She also goes off on crazy tangents in "(parenthesis)." TOAR calls it her own personal "random writing chaos." Even though she creates hell when she write about these subjects, she likes to know that at Thoughts of a Randomista, she creates a safe place to express her ideas while receiving feedback from her readers. TOAR Loves The Twilight Saga (TEAM EDWARD, his messy bed hair makes her drool) and Guest Bloggers. And she HATES introductions!

Thursday, September 9, 2010


Kanye West, one of my favorite artists of all time (no matter how eccentric), has reemerged in the world of hip hop music, and he’s returned a mid controversy of his alleged ties to the Illuminati after debuting a video for his tracked titled, “Power.” The video depicts a compelling West standing still in the center of a moving painting as he chimes, “No one man should have all that power” over a thumping beat with harmony lulling in the background. For years, people have speculated the Illuminati, an age-old secret society, have plans to take over the world as we know it or secretly run ish already. Now I love him to death, so forgive me here….but Kanye, a member of the Illuminati? I just don’t see it no matter how many symbols the public points to. I mean, this is the same guy who said President George Bush didn’t like Blacks during a telethon following Hurricane Katrina, and the same guy who threw tantrums ‘cause he ain’t win an MTV award, and the same guy who, later, interrupted Taylor Swift’s acceptance for an MTV award to make his own public service announcement on how undeserving she was and claimed the award should’ve gone to Hov’s wifey Beyonce instead. Unless the research I pored over is wrong, the Illuminati claim to have spiritual enlightenment, but who am I to judge? Love you, Kanye!
Moving right along, class is in session. Today’s lesson is on nothing other than power. Kanye’s track ends with the lyric, “You got the power to let power go.” Deep, huh? Just let that marinate. Ordinarily, some of us walk around complaining to be powerless and wanting the world to change instead of letting go and sharing what we do have to create a Different World. In Start Over, Finish Rich, David Bach dedicated the final chapter to finding your power and the importance of lending it to others who are less fortunate. The best-selling author and personal finance expert quotes Sir John Templeton (b. 1912 - d. 2008) who once said, “The secret of life is to become a ‘go giver’ – not a ‘go getter.’” That goes hard, right? Now I know you’re probably thinking that we’ve just recovered from a recession, and you ain’t got much doe to give. Well, maybe you do and maybe you don’t, but giving back doesn’t always mean trickin’ your money to charity (which is a worthy cause by the way). As Russell Simmons' book title says, Do You! the best way you can.
For sometime now, my friendgirl Staci of My Journey to Better has grumbled about the poor economic conditions of Edgecombe County in Rocky Mount, N.C. She’s also mentioned how the neighboring county, Nash, is thriving, which brought Haiti and the Dominican Republic to mind. Every time she’s mentioned it I’ve asked, “What are you going to do about it?” The first time I asked her, she seemed stunned as if to say, “No, she didn’t!” This last time, she sat quietly and pondered on what and how she could do something, anything. Much too often, we immediately discount

ourselves as being unfitting to tackle an issue or not having the means necessary to make it happen, but that’s not what power and giving back are about. When Miss Qui Vive approached me about this blog venture, I thought, “Yeah, I have ideas. But really, who is going to listen?” Some 2,000 hits later, I’m still hangin’ in there. I'm glad I agreed to do it because I pushed pass something hindering me from within myself, and I've been able to get you to think about money (maybe in a way you never had).
About a week or so after choppin’ it up with my friendgirl Staci, she came to me again and spoke of a dream – a vision. She had become inspired by her burden and contacted a local city council member in Rocky Mount, N.C. for some REAL talk on improving the city’s conditions. Instead of sitting by idly, she found her power and in it, her purpose. She sought to organize a health and wellness fair with vendors from across the state contributing services to the public at no charge in hopes of awakening the city and whipping its’ people into shape. Motivated by her power to improve the lives of others, she also asked for yours truly to participate, as a financial literacy advocate, among the support of many other young strivers and entrepreneurs. And she’s already scheming ideas to empower the city’s youth with the first-ever Teen Summit.
Speaking from personal experience, I know using my power for the greater good has been a humbling and rewarding one. Not only do I help someone else, but I feel better about myself in the process. I get what some call the "Helper's High" and look past whatever dilemmas I am facing by focusing all of my attention on doing good for others. Research has shown that we feel a sense of euphoria after acts of kindness, and our brains have a response similar to its' reaction to chemicals like dopamine. So get high by getting your give on!

In case you didn’t quite get it, lesson #4 for young strivers is:
Tap into your power and shine your light on others through giving whatever you have to offer
(i.e. dinero, time, etc.) no matter how much or little it is.
Questions to Think About:
  1. Are you a “go giver” or a “go getter?”
  2. Do you know where your power lies? And your purpose?
  3. How do you use your power to better the world?
  4. What's your take on Mr. West's video? If you haven't seen it, watch for yourself below.