Advice: Single Woman with Needs

I was thinking: I'm a single woman and I have needs. I have a single long time friend (guy) who has needs. Should we have a sexual relationship with no strings?

- Anonymous

Mz. Kewe

If only in a perfect world we could have sex and risk not getting our feelings involved... but we are human, not dogs or cats or dolphins! Some people actually HAVE the ability to do that... however. But with him being your friend and you being a woman... the chance that you will get your feelings involved are pretty high, in my opinion. You could be biting off more than you can chew. The good news is... if He is truly your friend, then it’s also a possibility that you may NOT lose the friendship if being Friends with Benefits doesn't work out. I have been in the situation where a friend of mine decided to take it a step further and my feelings got hurt... eventually, we both got over it and went back to being friends, but the I could have lived without the intermediary drama. Another friend of mine had the same scenario, and she kept her friendship with the guy as well... I'm not sure if we have lucky stories or whatnot. I've heard some stories about these scenarios and the friendship was never the same. But, honestly, if I just want to have sex with someone... I don't want to deal with ANY drama what so ever, so even though I kept my friend... we went through drama that put our friendship in jeopardy AND ultimately... ended our Benefits factor... so it really wasn't worth it for me. If your looking to fulfill your needs... look for someone with whom you don't have a prior friendship.

Ms. Qui Vive

I will keep my 'devil on the shoulder' opinion to myself...NOT!  If you are young, single, and use protection, I say go for what you know.  If you can keep your feelings in check and expect nothing more than to 'meet your needs...' you might have a win-win situation.  Just always expect, in the end, what you expected, from the start.

Miss Berneta

Absolutely not! In my experience, the "no strings attached" sex with a friend scenario never ends well. Why? Because if it goes on long enough strings inevitably get attached. In fact, it's hard not to get emotionally-attached to and all "caught up" with someone who is both 1) a long-term friend, and 2) someone you're having sex with on the regular. If you don't think you and this person will ever have a future as a couple (like, not ever, no possibility), you should not sleep with him. It'll likely lead to some hurt feelings, even if you guys do approach it from a "we're just friends who have sex" standpoint. And it could ruin a possibly good, healthy, long-term friendship. Besides, in my experience, empty sex (I consider loveless, convenient sex to be empty sex) is almost worse than no sex. Mz. Kewe is dead right: at the very least, find someone with whom you have no prior connection. But, personally, I probably wouldn’t do it, no matter the person.

Ms. Mashari

I would say it's a decision that's entirely up to you and based upon your own comfort level.  If you know what you want and communicated that with your potential partner, I don't see a problem with having a sexual relationship with that person.  Before acting, I would encourage you to assess if you're both capable of having a no-strings attachment or if it could evolve into something more.  In addition, I would say to talk it out in the event your feelings change, which can happen from time to time.

Having had some experiences similar to what Mz Kewe and Miss Berneta have mentioned, I can't say I'm in the place where this would work for me, but keep in mind we're all so very different.  While some of my relationships ended up awry, others were a learning and growth opportunity for me to set boundaries, communicate my desires, or even explore intimacy.  I wouldn't change a thing about my past either.  Here and now, I want more out of a relationship than I did back then when sex would simply suffice; I'm more interested in sharing a connection that is mentally, emotionally, and physically stimulating simultaneously.  You may or may not be in the same place (and guess what, that's okay), so I suggest you do what suits you, be confident in your decision, and accept whatever comes of it (i.e. continued or broken friendship, a long-term romantic relationships, heartbreak, sex education and exploration, babies and baby daddy drama and child support madness, STDs, etc.)

Babygirl, You Gone Wrap It or Not?!?

By GuestBug TOAR

I am TOAR and I was thinking about condoms. (Bio Below Post) All kinds of condoms. Penis Condoms, Women Condoms, Finger Condoms and Tongue condoms. Of course, TOAR promotes safe sex - you know penis condom and female condoms. But what about the other two?

Finger Condoms
I was in a dirty sex shop last week (I go there frequently, because I like looking at dildos) and I was paying for my sexfit (sexy-outfit) and I seen these little round rubbery things. No bigger then your pinky finger. I asked the sales associate about them and she told me what they were. Ok, now here is the problem I am seeing with these little bastards: Why would I put a little ass condom on my PINKY finger?


First of all, a PINKY finger has no control over how to play with my clitoris effectively enough without it tickling like hell therefore, EFFECTIVELY turning me off. Secondly, those things look like they will cut off the guys circulation, especially if they have huge hands (big hands, big penis - PERIOD). Then they have two huge hands with 9 fingers? EEEWWW.


So I get the whole "Lets-use-little-finger-fuckers-because-you-might-have-AIDS-anyway" thing but seriously?


Tongue Condoms
Same Day, next to the mini condoms are the "Tongue Condoms." Now I have never heard of these before in my life. I hate the way latex tastes from a regular penis condom so why on earth will I WILLINGLY stick latex in my mouth? ugh.


I just have no more words.


So here are my posing questions to all of you out there:

• Have you ever used a finger condom?
• How far will you go to protect yourself?
• Do you give oral with the condom on? Do you like it?
• Do you like to receive oral with a condom on (tongue or otherwise)?
• Do you clean under your nails frequently?

More importantly, assuming that we all use the basic forms for condoms, Babygirl, are you gone wrap his fingers or not?


Please guys, answer too!
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Follow and Comment TOAR's personal posts at Thoughts of a Randomista. Let's Cut to the chase, she is not some bubbly censored bimbo. She's a 20 something college student living in "urban" Detroit, MI where you get the shit slapped out of you if you step on a guy's J's and being a Harajuku Barbie or a 5 Star Chick is a profession. She talks shit about most things and make fun of everything else - Sex & Race mostly because it is the most Taboo. She also goes off on crazy tangents in "(parenthesis)." TOAR calls it her own personal "random writing chaos." Even though she creates hell when she write about these subjects, she likes to know that at Thoughts of a Randomista, she creates a safe place to express her ideas while receiving feedback from her readers. TOAR Loves The Twilight Saga (TEAM EDWARD, his messy bed hair makes her drool) and Guest Bloggers. And she HATES introductions!

Top 10 Reasons to Let Go of your Booty Call

Yea June Buggers! you read it right! Mz Kewe strikes again! LOL. So before Ms MaShari gives her expertise on finances ,Ms Berneta talks about her political views or Ms Qui Vive starts her series, I, Mz Kewe ( the sweet one)will touch on another overlooked yet important issues…….. YOUR BOOTY CALL!!!! (oh… …. Don’t act like yall aint never had one!) So in case you missed the movie, or your one of these people that’s been under a rock for the past 15 years, let me give you the urban dictionary’s definitions of what a Booty Call is

Booty Call- A late night summon-often via telephone, cell phone call or text- to arrange clandestine sexual liaison on an ad hoc basis.

Best of both worlds huh…. But like all seemingly good things… its time when it should come to an END, and I ( along with the great assistances from my Check2Check Radio Family shout outs to Xav and Cas) will give you the top reason you need to let this guy/girl, go!



10. The prices of motel 6 jumped- cuz you know you cant take Booty call to your house! With the real spouse there! Please… but yea…. Is he/ she worth 50 60 bucks for maybe an hour of pleasure…NOT! Besides you gotta be home soon anyway

9. They ask you to help pay their rent- broke asses! WTF!!! You are only to serve 1 purpose and 1 purpose only! GTFOH!!!

8 They cant keep their cell phone active or they are always changing numbers - this means that either they are dumb ass broke and have to keep getting new metro or cricket accounts.. or they are hiding from someone… maybe owe child support or a crazy stalker… not the bizness! KEEP IT PUSHIN!

7 You see images running across the room and they claim they don’t have a pet- ohh heck no!!!! WTF just ran across the bed!!!!! Nasty!

6.You see them at an event with a homegirl/homeboy- ohh this fool gets around! Heck no! NOT EVEN attractive!

5, Its been 6 months already – this one is very important… cuz it’s a fact that once you’ve been dealing with someone this long or longer… either you or the other person starts catching ……………. FEELINGS … and that’s a no no… feelings were NOT a part of this deal when I signed up

4, You wake up in the morning and either your windows have been busted or the rims on your car have been stolen and you don’t know who did it– ok so either you didnt follow the 6 month rule or your booty call lives in a bad neighborhood or a turf… either way… CONTRACT BROKEN!

3 You cant find your credit card – damn… thieving asses!

2. Your current REAL mate has gotten out of jail- ENOUGH SAID!!!!

AND THE NUMBER 1 REASON TO LET EM GO!!!!

1. You wake up in the morning and find a box of Valrex on their nightstand- awwwww dammmnnnnn ittt!



Well there you have it June Buggers! Enjoy! Now go and leave your thoughts and things you feel should have made this list………………….. NOW

21st Century Dating and the Issue of Label Phobia

You and So-and-So have hung out numerous times, on walks, at movies, at dinners in swanky and not-so-swanky restaurants (and So-and-So always insists on paying). After a few “dates” you finally give in, say, “Well, hell,” and you have sex. It has been a couple of months, and there have been several repeated sexual occurrences. While you may or may not be completely interested in So-and-So, you’re also not the casual sex kind of person. You are probably at least a little interested in seeing where it can go. No one has mentioned the big “R” (whisper: relationship). Although, you did ask one time about a month or so into it all, “So, hey, what is this about?” So-and-So responded in some roundabout, inarticulately evasive manner, of which all you remember hearing is, “I like you a lot. I like being with you.” Now, you are left wondering, “What the f*#@?”

I call this scenario, “An Encounter with 21^st Century Label Phobia.” The notion of label phobia is pretty self-explanatory: it describes the intense fear of or aversion to labels, specifically labeling as it relates to the world of romance. (This is related to but shouldn't be confused with what is popularly called "commitment phobia," which describes a general fear of commitment. In label phobia, fear is directed toward labels such as "relationship," "dating," etc. While these labels implicate some level of commitment, I think label phobia stems from not only a fear of commitment but from a general fear of categorization, a mindset that is very characteristic of postmodern 21st century culture.) One could suggest that So-and-So is not label phobic at all but simply a slow mover, trying to take his/her time. Or maybe just your typical jerk. Both of those might be true. But let’s just assume I am right, for a moment. How does this label phobia affect our dating lives? Is this new attitude an improvement or a significant problem in our dating lives?

To the last question, I’d say it’s a little of both, and to the first question I’d say it’s doing a real number on our self-esteem (and I don't mean that in a good way).

In my own life, I’ve found that labels are inescapable, sometimes burdensome and sometimes useful or even empowering. For instance, I can’t escape the labels of African-American (or black), woman, bisexual, Southerner. There’s almost no point in trying to ignore them, in trying to exist as just a human being. I don’t have that luxury of trying to go through the world as just a human being when the rest of world will always see me as black and female for sure and treat me accordingly. As such, I’ve learned to embrace such labels and find power in them.

Avoiding labels in the world of romance is just as futile and impossible as avoiding them in other aspects of our lives. No matter how much So-and-So doesn’t like labeling his/her love life, he/she will eventually come into conflict with a lover who doesn’t share his/her disdain for labels. The reality is that human beings love labels; we need them, in the world of romance and elsewhere. Eventually, if two people (you and So-and-So) have went on dates, talked intimately, had sex, one of the two people (if not both) is going to want to know where he/she stands in the situation. Labels tell us where we stand. They help us understand how we are being valued and viewed by others. And, let’s be honest, our personal sense of self or identity is totally wrapped up in how others value and view us.

Sadly, I’ve noticed that a lot of twenty-somethings (as well as some thirty-somethings I’ve met) harbor a strong dislike of labels, refusing to understand the basic value of those labels to many, if not most, people’s sense of self. Nevertheless, a fundamental disconnect occurs during scenarios like the one described above. When a person seeks a label during such moments, he/she really is seeking out your opinion of him/her, and your refusal to deliver that in the form of a label comes off as a real diss, rather or not that’s how you meant it. Label phobic folks can help prevent these kinds of problems by being straight up in the beginning, before things get intimate, before wasting the person’s time. If you don’t want a label, a relationship or a commitment, just say so before the person gets attached.

Quite honestly, I am tired of running into men and women alike who refuse to label their affairs. If we have a scenario like the one mentioned, I can only interpret the refusal to label as a refusal to commit. (We can get into a huge discussion about what it means to commit. Here, I only want you to understand it as a basic promise to respect the person by refusing to sleep with or pursue other people while you are with said person.) So-and-So’s desire for sex with the person, while at the same time refusing to commit signifies a lack of respect. In this world of disease, the greatest way that one can show respect for a lover is by promising to be monogamous while with that person. But I’ll stop here, before I get off topic.

With all this said, I am mostly curious about why so many people are opposed to labeling their romantic affairs. What is gained and at what or whose expense? How has this issue, if it is one, played out in your love life?