When Image is Everything

By GuestBug Vivian

Public relations (PR) – noun

1. the actions of a corporation, store, government, individual, etc., in promoting goodwill between itself and the public, the community, employees, customers, etc. 
2. the art, technique, or profession of promoting such goodwill 

I have a theory. Whenever you meet someone new, you always put your best foot forward. You project yourself in a manner that shows more of the likable parts than not. You aren’t acting insecure or timid (or maybe you are, I don’t know); you’re a gorgeous, confident diva who doesn’t take any crap. Well, I call this good PR.

When it comes to online dating, it’s very easy to do. You write a happy description of yourself and your likes; in my experience, if you come off as a “Debbie Downer,” guys aren’t into it. Think about it: if you read a guy’s profile and it’s even the slightest bit pessimistic…it’s not really attractive, is it?

So people keep it peppy. It’s almost like the type of PR you put out for a job interview; instead of a new job, it’s a new mate. The first few exchanges are like the preliminary round. A few email/phone call/text messages later, you’re out on date #1. Date #1 is like your first in-person interview. You dress to the nines for the occasion, and if you hit it off, it’s date #2. If it keeps going at this rate, who knows where you end up. At some point, you let the walls down and show it all, the good and the bad. And that’s the true test.

Have you ever been out with someone and after a few dates you slowly realize this person is not the person you thought they were? I once dated a guy who kept it up for a whole three months. He was a soft-spoken, laid back rocker type who was totally the observer. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m a talker. I mean I can talk you into next Tuesday if you let me, but not about superficial topics of conversation. And I did most of the talking. The thing was, he was the exact opposite of what he presented. I’m a liberal, so he was liberal. But he really wasn’t. To each his own, but own it, feel me? After three months, his true self came out, and it wasn’t for me. He just had such good PR, he didn’t PR any of his actual qualities.

So in my quest for online love, I’ve seen this more often than not. I read a guy’s profile, he sounds pretty rad, we talk on the phone, he can carry on an intelligent conversation, we meet, and there’s always something. Like date #15 whose profile said he was 5’9”, but when we met he was actually 5’6”. Or date #1 whose profile said he was looking for long-term, but then told me he was really just looking for a friend. The point is, whether I’m online through my profile or meeting someone in person, I’m not projecting my insecurities; I am trying to keep it real. Good PR only takes you so far; the rest has to come from you, baby!

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Read more of Vivian's dating perspective at her very own blog, http://datinginqc.blogspot.com.

Unthinkable (I'm Ready)

Singer Alicia Keys croons, "If you ask me, I'm ready" in her latest single from her fourth LP, Element of Freedom. She did the unthinkable and expressed her readiness formally in an intimate wedding to producer Swizz Beatz in France just a week ago. Congratulations, Alicia and Swizz!

It's unthinkable for me to imagine being married at my age, though I thought I was "ready" to jump the broom at the tender age of 19 to a man just about 10 years my senior (who I might add, turned out to be a d-mn fool). Yeah, I know. He was not totally to blame in the situation, as I walked blindly into coupledom like the foolish young girl that I was. I hadn't been schooled on matters of the heart, how to go about a healthy relationship, or money management. I simply thought love was all I, he, or we needed. Boy, was I WRONG? I found myself thinking something similar to the lyrics of Keri Hilson's "What Channel?" constantly. We operated on two completely different wave lengths when it came to our expectations of one another, our finances, and just about everything else but sex, which made for nothing but TROUBLE in what I thought was paradise. After six months of shackin' and a year or so in, it was SPLITSVILLE. We nearly killed each other like an episode of Snapped. Okay, I'm kidding. Really! Some of you might read and protest that you could never be me, while others have played a similar role in their relationships, or some might even know someone with a parallel story. Well, never say never 'cause I never would've thought I would end up being that girl, yet I was. Now no matter where you are in your romantic affairs, we can all learn from today's lesson.

I think one of the most important things I learned from the experience is what my boo Hill Harper calls, "The Conversation." By that I mean, it's crucial to have communication and financial intimacy. When was the last time you and your honey talked about bread? No, I don't mean a loaf. Okay, if it's taking you that long to answer I say it's time for REAL TALK on the issue. Minimize future stress and headaches by getting clear on how you feel about individual and shared financial responsibilities. For instance, who will take care of the utilities at the crib, who will stay home to care of the kiddos if you choose to have them and who will work, or even if you will have separate bank accounts.

NOTE: If you're married and equally responsible, I'm all for shared accounts; however, if you AIN'T

married....(sigh) please don't. I'm just saying.

True story, all you grown and sexy strivers might like Lisa Peterson's Pillow Talk: Make Talking About Money Sexy in Your Marriage. As the saying goes, "Money talks," and Lisa says it doesn't have to be boring. Instead, it can be much more like foreplay. In an interview with 90.9 WBUR, Lisa told listeners to "Have a quickie. Try to quickly check in with each other, whether in person or through the use of little financial love notes." You might even like teasing 'em with a sexy text message or setting reminders with a cute pic in his favorite teddy. My girl Jacquette M. Timmons, author of Financial Intimacy, and the ladies over at DailyWorth suggest loving your boo and your stacks by playfully discussing doe and then progressing onto more serious talks like retirement, insurance, and wills as a team. Find out how financially compatible the two of you are with this quiz. Spend some QT and get to know what's old and new with your significant other with full disclosure and review one another's credit reports once or twice a year. Share your vision on where you'd like to be financially, collaborate to meet those goals, and work together to recover after a setback. However you do it is entirely up to you, but it's crucial that you do get it crackin' with baby about that cheddar. While you might not agree on everything, financial intimacy allows you two to strengthen your partnership.

So lesson #3 for young strivers is:

Become financially intimate with your partner, and gauge what you'd like and your situation to be sure you're really "ready" before doing the "unthinkable."

Questions to Think About

1. Have you experienced relationship trouble because your opinion differs from your boo's on the subject of money?
2. How "ready" are you for the next step in your relationship?
3. How do you and your partner get your finances poppin' behind closed doors?

That’s Just ma Baby Daddy

You know……usually, you know how there’s like……a popular song right? And so popular that people start using the catch phrase for a while? For example, the song “Show Stoppers” by Danity Kane; every girl in the club started to claim to be a so called show-stopper. Every dude that was in love was a Bug-A-Boo (Destiny’s Child) and at one point, girls were referred to as Pigeons and all men who didn’t have a job or car were Scrubs. However, most of these phrases tend to wear out their welcome and die off pretty quickly. Well, all but a few ones, such as Baby Daddy or Baby Momma, seem to stand the test of time and are still used as frequently today as they were back in 96 or 97 when that particular song came out. In fact, it probably means more now because now that we are older… some of us may be considered baby mommas or daddies.

Honestly, I don’t like this particular term. It’s just too ghetto and I find it sickening that people have just rolled over and accepted being a baby momma or baby daddy; along with many other phrases, I’m not saying that I’ve never used terms like this prior, however, now that I am older and am learning better, I plan on doing better, for starters, erasing this from my vocabulary from this point on. My hope is that people will one day abandon this mindset as it is in no way shape or form uplifting especially in the African American community. What ever happened to giving a parent of your children a little more respect? Respect enough to at least say “mother or father of my child” or something along the lines of that? Or how about government names….? What ever happened to those??? It’s gotten so bad that some people even have the audacity to approach you and say things to the nature of “ hey aren’t you such and such baby momma?” (this actually happens to a friend of mine often) this is just absurd to me.

Since when has it been okay to be a Hot Ghetto Mess? Last time I checked, it was repulsive, looked down upon and laughed at. Remember how back in the days, music used to reflect something so totally different? Take rap groups like NWA ( Ice Cube, Eazy- Z, Dr Dre and others) used to talk about living and growing up in the ghetto, but their message wasn’t so glamorous and certainly wasn’t anything of a laughing matter. Now we have music glorifying things we really shouldn’t, such as a single mother or father depicted as a baby momma or baby daddy. I understand that sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying, but come on now. We have to draw the line somewhere. Seriously, who really wants to be referred to as a baby momma or baby daddy? Seriously???

I Can Do Bad....

I Can do BAD…….. well… you know the rest.

Independence? …… CHECK! …… Strong enough to walk away from a bad situation?....... CHECK! Got a job and can support yourself?..... CHECK AND DOUBLE CHECK! Congratulations! You are the ideal, qualified, modern-day woman living in America and have probably proclaimed the phrase “ I Can Do Bad all by Myself."

Now, I know that just about everyone has either used this saying or heard of it before (if it was Tyler Perry’s movies or that song by Changing Faces back in ‘99). Maybe you’re a single mother, just trying to make it on your own with little or no help; maybe your situation with your current guy is going south and you feel that that you’re just better off alone; or maybe you’re so used to being independent and strong on your own, no one else quite fits the bill. Either way you flip this double entendre. Women have adopted it, became empowered by it and will publicly and privately proclaim it.

BUT HOW DO THE MEN, WHO HEAR US, TAKE IT?????????????????

Ooops.. Ahha ladies… that never occurred to us now did it? While we are so busy ranting and chanting, we sometimes fail to hear how this “women empowered saying” can come across to our men. Well, I’ve gone ahead and gathered a few thoughts from the fellas:

1. Negativity

2. Male Bashing

3. Feminism

4. “ I don’t need a man/ better off without you”

5. You’re probably bad either way/ need to upgrade yourself

6. Bitter old single woman

7. Selfishness

Wow!! Big difference compared to what we are really trying to express to the world huh? But yep it's true: to some men, when they hear this phrase that “aww heck $&#T, here we go” goes up and they are ready to defend and debate you. I know some of you are wondering, “How can a man get THAT impression?” Well, let me break it down for you.

Feminist/I don’t need a man/Male Bashing

I decided to group most of them together due to the nature of each being so similar. At times we tend to express our independence so much that it comes across very sexist. Ladies now let’s take a minute to think about that one. We don’t like it when men act sexist…well ,the fellas feel the same way. They don’t condone feminist ways just as we don’t condone the male chauvinist. Plain and simple as that.

Negative Outlook/ Selfishness/ you probably need an upgrade yourself

It takes two to tangle ladies! Most of the issues within a relationship are not one-sided. A lot of the time when a woman starts to tell her man more and more that she doesn’t need him it appears that she is overlooking/ excusing her part of the wrongdoing and placing all fault on her man! That can be a lot of stress for one person to take, which will bring forth a negative view from both sides of this party. When one party fails to realize his/her faults, no one learns or grows

Single Bitter Old Woman

I had to create a category for this one all its own. Being that I couldn’t decide whether this was more a negative or a feminist case scenario. Bitterness…. Ummmm … well, to put it boldly I believe that bitterness in ANYONE but especially women is one of the Seven Deadly Sins in LIFE let alone a relationship. Point blank period: if you suffer from this you won’t be able to move forward in any of your future endeavors… not to mention relating to a man.

A double entendre this statement is indeed. I’m not saying we women don’t have to the right to proclaim it… shoot…. I feel that if you earned it, then you do have the right to flaunt it. However, we must be mindful of HOW we express our independence…if we are truly strong women… it should do more showing and probably less telling. And fellas, contrary to popular belief, this phrase isn’t supposed to be understood as male bashing or negative as you may feel it can come across. I guess the bigger picture would be that both men and women should communicate with each other better. We would probably have less confusion with this phrase that is supposed to be a show of strength, independence, and empowerment for both men and women.

Real Talk, Real Issues

Introductions can be iffy.

Either your palms begin to sweat from nervous jitters, or you give a firm, convincing handshake and a confident smile. You trip over your set of two left feet, or you comfortably sashay your way into the crowd. Either way, you will do one of two things:

Rise to the occasion or bomb out like a wet firecracker.

To keep from accomplishing the latter, we will keep it simple…for now--- Welcome to JuneBug Talk!

Perhaps you found us on Facebook, are familiar with one of our bloggers, or just happened to pass through…happenstance allowed our paths to intermingle at this present moment, and hopefully intellectual dialogue and positive discourse will allow us to establish a lasting impression in each other’s lives.

So what is JuneBug Talk really about?

Well, before we answer, here is a quick science lesson. As many internet sites so “eloquently” define them, june bugs are large beetles that are instinctively attracted to light and are commonly seen late May and early June. June bugs, which are usually dormant in the winter, increase their activity in the spring by making themselves visible; they pupate and lay their eggs underground, then later emerge as full adults.

Now that the science lesson is over, here is the real lesson. JuneBug Talk is about engaging each other, enlightening our selves, and empowerment through words. Just as our infamous namesake cannot deny it’s attraction to light, we cannot ignore our desire to attain knowledge. Like our arthropod counterparts lay eggs, when we plant thoughts and cultivate the roots of curiosity these ideas develop through engagement, and bring into being "full adult June Bugs," who are empowered and motivated towards inner growth and inspired and productive in their interaction with the world around them.

From all of us at JuneBug Talk, welcome to the family! Now, pull out your laptops and iPhones, set your fingers on those home keys, and get ready for “Real Talk, Real Issues.”